Dear Friends,
First, let me stop you. This entire post has completely Christian themes to it. This may not be your cup of tea, you may not relate to it, believe in it or in fact you might find it triggering to read if you have a past history of hurt by the church. So you are welcome to exit here. I understand totally. As I’ve previously explained and many of my friends will know, I don’t normally talk about my faith often - partly because it is very private and personal to me, and partly because many of my beliefs don’t seem to fit with what traditionally people might term as ‘Christian.’ I also don’t like to make my friends uncomfortable or cause any kind of barrier between myself and my friends. There are so many different sides to all of us and we often show a side of ourselves to our friends and leave out the bits we feel they might not accept or tolerate so well. But a big part of the story as to why I’m here in Romania is due to my faith, and every day that I am here, I am at a loss as to how to be useful without asking God’s assistance. However, I understand how intolerable it can be for those who have been hurt by Christianity, and so always in my blogs, I will let you know if I’m about to “talk Christian” :)
You may remember a little while ago I was deciding on whether to stay in Sibiu or not, and prior to an Expat social meetup, I asked God to show me one way or the other that night. And then I met ‘Pastor Michael’ who had never been to this Expat social meetup, and he came and joined me at my table and we had a long conversation about God and faith and shared a little of our stories. Michael pastors a local church here - with services in both Romanian and English, and prior to leaving on my trip to visit two charities, I could not summon the courage to attend. Partly because of the beliefs I mentioned above not fitting with traditional Christianity, and partly because I had experienced spiritual trauma in the past through church experiences.
Today I got up to my alarm at 8am on a Sunday despite wanting to sleep more, I skipped breakfast and took a taxi to make sure I arrived on time, and I went to church. This is a church that is not advertised and there is no sign on the door, but the small room was full - not just with people but with a beautiful presence of God. I cried through most of the service because of that presence. God always speaks to me during the singing (what Christians term ‘the worship’), and this is what I heard God say to me during that time:
How beautiful it is to hear the worship of Romanians in the Romanian language - this country and this people you have longed to be with for more than 20 years
You are home
I hold you like the mother in front of you is holding her young child - rocking you and kissing your face
I am taking care of your family - your son and his father
Today is Pentecost in Romania, and so the theme of the service was about the day of Pentecost in the Bible and the gift of the Holy Spirit. One of the many messages today was the story of Elijah and how God’s voice and God’s presence was gentle and quiet and not forceful and to listen to that quiet voice prompting us. This is something I have been trying to do since I arrived in Romania and particularly when I am doing my counselling work or management of the charity in New Zealand and when I am visiting the charities here in Romania.
At one point in the service while we were praying, Michael said that he felt prompted to acknowledge that many people here had been hurt by the church, and he wanted to apologise for that. His apology was simple, but detailed enough to understand that Michael was apologising on behalf of pastors and leaders that had caused hurt. That apology felt very powerful for me and reached my soul - it was very meaningful. Even now brings tears to my eyes as I think of it. Later, Michael stood with his wife Mihaela and they served us communion. I cannot express to you how moving that was for me, to be served by a pastor and his wife in a church even in that small, symbolic way following that apology and the many years in which I had been used and undervalued by pastors in a previous church.
Michael encouraged us to ask God for what we needed (which I did) and then turn to the people that were next to us and pray for one another. What I like about Romanian culture is that often prayer is quiet or even silent, and the women sitting next to me were content to pray quietly for one another - I was grateful too because I didn’t know if they would understand my English. The woman that was sitting on the other side of the woman next to me, I felt I should pray for healing for her, so I took her hand and I did that. Later, after the service, I saw her when we were having coffee, and I said “I don’t know why but I felt to pray for healing for you” and another woman that was with us said “that’s amazing because not long ago, she had brain surgery.” I said to her “God must want to heal you if I thought to pray for that for you, and I think God loves you very much.” She was utterly blown away and emotional, and so I went to hug her and she held me so tight it hurt to be honest! Thankyou! She kept repeating but I said to her “I think this is what God wants for you.” For those of us with this kind of communication with God, aren’t we always so amazed when God shows us how much He (She/They) loves us and cares about us? Yet of course God does. How might we share that love to those longing to hear it if we were all listening and receptive to that quiet voice of God - attentive and asking the question “how might I be of use here?”
I love that so many of the people in the church were invited to share a story or request a prayer that we could all pray for. It was not one man standing up the front or one man praying for us all as if divinely annointed by God to do this…. rather, we were all participating, all praying for one another, and a trust that God’s presence would be present with us wherever we sat or stood, and not just with the big man at the front. I experienced the beautiful hearts of Michael and Mihaela and the beautiful hearts of the people in the church. Perhaps not every Sunday will be like this, but I will definitely go back and make these people my community. And this is why this post is for my mum. I think for the last 20 years she’s been wanting me to go back to church and praying that I would go back. I always laughed because I knew that God wasn’t found just in church… that God was everywhere and my relationship with God survived whether I was in church or not. I also knew that many churches cause so much harm that has no part of God and no right to say that it does. I’ll be honest, I doubted that I would ever go back - but here I am, amongst Romanian people with big loving, giving hearts. Many are working with the homeless and the poor and the orphaned. So this post is for you, mum. Thank you for your love and prayers for me.
A few not-so-little things before I go:
I arranged to meet with a person who has been in a vital role doing amazing charity work here in Romania, and without knowing my skills/experience in mental health, they were talking to God on the way over saying “I need help for my depression - it is so bad I don’t know if I should be doing this [charity] work any longer!” I would later tell them that I felt that God already had the solution before they even asked and after explaining the programme I wrote to assist people in becoming well from depression and the counselling I do, I offered both the course and counselling with me free of charge so that I could invest in them and the work that they do here in Romania.
I was introduced to a woman at church today who manages three family homes for 32 orphaned children aged between 9 and 21 in Cisnadioara - about 20km south of Sibiu. I will visit them next week - I am really looking forward to it!
My apartment has not sold and there has been no interest. On the 23rd June if the developer has not obtained the CCC and Title by end of day, I can be released from my agreement and my deposit returned to me. I am praying for this. Unfortunately it is a Friday and so I’ll probably have to wait a few more days for confirmation but ultimately, I am counting the days: 19 days to go! Please pray with me for this!!
Thankyou for your support,
Kristina